Never in my life have I spent so much time doing nothing. Maybe I lolled about as an infant before my memory begins, but I have been on the go for as long as I can remember. Even during the rare times when I wasn’t doing a whole lot, I had practices, I had plans, I had projects on the horizon. I’ve been on a mission of one kind or another ever since I can remember. It’s been surprisingly easy for me to just stop though I doubt I would have without the benefit of a broken leg. And now as I begin to get my energy back, Samhain (aka Halloween) approaches, marking the midway point to the winter solstice, and the natural time of year for hibernation and slowing down. As luck would have it, I’m still in California where the seasons are more pronounced than in Hawaii. The days are quickly growing shorter, the nights are longer and colder, and in the quiet countryside where I now live, it’s easy to slow to a halt. Some people might look at these three months which I am calling doing nothing and say, “You’ve gotta be kidding! What about moving? What about healing? What about filing a law suit?” But everything is relative. For me, this is the most aimless I’ve been since I was a young teenager.

Ever since the early ‘80’s I’d believed that my purpose in life was to create more peace in the world by expanding the boundaries of the family, raising awareness that there are many possibilities for honest intimate relating, and supporting people to heal sexual trauma, limitations, and conditioning by reuniting sex and spirit. Last year when I heard spiritual teacher Isaac Shapiro sharing about how the idea of having a mission is really ego-driven it made an impression on me because I’d already started noticing how this is so. While many people might benefit by giving more attention to discovering their life purpose, my ego had definitely gotten hold of this concept of purpose and was using it in ways that were not entirely joyful.

Just as people can create a spiritual ego which very effectively keeps them apart from the Oneness they seek, my mission driven ego had become a barrier to my own self love and union with the Divine, not to mention a human beloved. I was too busy taking care of people and running every aspect of my publishing and seminar business, and then the Farm, to stop and smell the roses. Worse yet, I’d sacrificed several relationships on the altar of leading seminars on Tantric sex and polyamory. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, think of it this way. Let’s say you’re an ordinary person who loves to ice skate and your partner does too. You have a wonderful time playing around at your local rink, or lake, you totally enjoy yourselves, you sometimes skate with others, and no one pays any attention to you. There is no stress involved and if you’re having a bad day you just take a break and wait for a better moment. This is a completely different experience from skating with a partner professionally or in the Olympics. Suddenly the pressure is on. It’s your duty to get that Gold Medal. Your time is no longer your own. You have to practice, travel, and perform whether or not you feel like it at that moment. You are so busy preparing for the next event you no longer have time to enjoy each other. Your flight is cancelled due to bad weather and you don’t know if you will arrive in time for the competition. Judges are scrutinizing your every move and the crowds are for or against you. Fans tell you to get a new partner if you want to win. Other fans tell your partner the same thing. Your partner misses a beat and your chances of winning are threatened. You have a misunderstanding at an inconvenient time and your whole career is threatened. This isn’t an exact analogy, but you get the idea. Not the easiest conditions for undertaking explorations which are already challenging to begin with and for which there is no road map.

While I see honesty as a principle that impacts every aspect of life, I have chosen to focus on honesty in intimate relationships because, as many ancient and modern sages have realized, the Family is the Building Block of the Culture.

If children are raised in homes where honesty is the norm, that is what they will learn and come to regard as the norm. They will not stand by silently when this norm is violated, but will speak out, confident of their experience that honesty is rewarded not punished.

In contrast, intimate relationships have for centuries been a training ground for lying. We are taught to lie to avoid hurting a family member’s feelings and told this is love. This is a difficult habit to break, in part because of the good intentions behind it, and in part because of our need for approval. Nevertheless, once we realize the consequences of lying, and once we realize we have another choice, we can begin changing this norm, first in our selves, and then by example and by behavioral reinforcement with our loved ones.

The truth is we have no real possibility for intimacy if we are NOT honest with ourselves about what we are feeling and thinking as well as in our communications with others.