Help
Sign In
communication
January 2009 
Truth and Intimacy
tajmahalo
While I see honesty as a principle that impacts every aspect of life, I have chosen to focus on honesty in intimate relationships because, as many ancient and modern sages have realized, the Family is the Building Block of the Culture.
If children are raised in homes where honesty is the norm, that is what they will learn and come to regard as the norm. They will not stand by silently when this norm is violated, but will speak out, confident of their experience that honesty is rewarded not punished.
In contrast, intimate relationships have for centuries been a training ground for lying. We are taught to lie to avoid hurting a family member’s feelings and told this is love. This is a difficult habit to break, in part because of the good intentions behind it, and in part because of our need for approval. Nevertheless, once we realize the consequences of lying, and once we realize we have another choice, we can begin changing this norm, first in our selves, and then by example and by behavioral reinforcement with our loved ones.
The truth is we have no real possibility for intimacy if we are NOT honest with ourselves about what we are feeling and thinking as well as in our communications with others.
Access: Public
This is good! I was raised to be honest and I have always been able to completely trust my siblings without question! I know they will be honest back. It came as quite a surprise to find out not everyone was this way, and lack of truth can be disasterous in relationships, coming from my side, too. I have had to really look at being emotionally honest myself, not so easy, and, I agree, it does block intimacy. Ouch, more inner work to do…
hugs and peaches,
Sprite
thanks for the confirmation sprite! can you share more about how you were raised to be honest? it sounds as though maybe it is easier with your siblings because you know they will love you no matter what. in a new relationship you have yet to develop that level of trust, and in truth, it may never be there … so you know you are risking something.
I’m a 52 year old man who recently came clean (mostly) to my partner S about some strong feelings that I was developing for a third. Although we’ve often spoken about menage a trois and maybe “swinging” (a term I hate) but these are often encounters with people only in the recreational sense of sex. My partner says now that she doesn’t want to “adopt” someone else, while I have often envisioned more of a communal lifestyle based on unconditional love. Unfortunately, she is now threatened by my choice for a female third.
My close friend AM is 32, and beautiful, sadly saddled with a number of health problems (fibromyalgia, depression, and other ailments which I believe my strong hands and heart could help to heal) and is completely on board the idea of a relationship based on three, with or without the participation (sexually) of my partner, but ideally with her blessing. S told me today that if AM was not so pretty that she could accept her. That destroyed me.
Although I do not need to be in love to have sex with another, I do have to like them, and in AM’s cased I’ve begun to love her, but certainly not to the detriment of any love for S who I continue love as in the beginning, Hysterics however, are never attractive.
I’ve always considered myself a polyamorist, long before the term polyamory was coined and I have seen very few successful monogamous relationships in my own family tree. S says that she needs time to sort out her feelings about this and today read online that she should not have given me the Either/Or ultimatum, so she’s doing some soul searching. Got my fingers crossed.
Well, after a final discussion about AM, and realizing my overall unhappiness, S has decided to lighten up, and I have agreed to act responsibly. AM and I will not be forced apart and my heart feels much lighter after a very difficult week. Wish everyone could learn to, in the words of Robert Bly, “follow their bliss”. I plan to paint AM in the near future!